In raising a boy, you have to know what kind of man you are aiming for writes Steve Biddulph.
When you first learned you were having a boy, how did you feel? What thoughts and images sprang to mind, and were they good ones? Boys – and men – seem to be in a lot of trouble lately, and so we need to have clear goals for how to raise them for now, and not the past. We don’t need men who can wrestle buffaloes any more!
Sometimes in a workshop I ask people to call out what qualities they like most in a man. There are some ribald comments of course, but for the most part they are very heartfelt, and often reflect what the women have NOT received, always, from the men in their lives. So kindness comes high on the list, trustworthiness, being good humoured. Self-sacrificing, not selfish. Patient. Fun to be around, cheerful. There are two main qualities when you boil it down, in what makes a good man, and in fact a good human being. Backbone, and heart.
Heart is the capacity to be kind and look out for other people. Boys who are warm-hearted make the best friends, girls really like them, and they actually have more fun in life. When you encourage your four year old to care for his baby sister, or even his pet or toy, you teach him gentleness and pride in caring.
Backbone is the capacity to be true to your word. Hang in and finish something hard. Be reliable with commitments or promises. You have to teach boys that this is what manliness means. Strength is a mental thing, its got nothing to do with muscles. Sticking up for a friend. Disagreeing when others say something stupid or hurtful. Your son will understand easily that this takes courage, and courage is something boys admire.
Sooner or later, these qualities will be a matter of life and death. So you can’t start too soon. When your son shows these qualities, TELL HIM. It will become a part of who he thinks he is, and just grow stronger.
Some boys I know were at a party where the adults seemed to have vacated the scene, wanting to be friends rather than be seen as uncool grown ups. Alcohol was abundant. So in other words, a disaster looking to happen. One of the girls had way too much to drink, and already not over-dressed, was now in disarray on a couch among her laughing peers, close to passing out.
In the half dark, some boys began to touch her, then paw her more obviously, daring each other to go further, laughing and scoffing in their own alcohol fuelled haze. One of the other boys, seeing this, said “hey guys, leave her alone, she’s had way too much to drink, she needs help”. And moved in closer, inserting himself into the picture. He asked the girl for her phone, and not getting much answer, he took it and started to call her parents. Then sat with a glare until the other boys got the message, or felt shamed enough, and with some scornful remarks, moved off for greener pastures.
You can talk to your sons about specific situations like this – what would you do if…? This makes it more likely that they will be able to think on the spot – something we all find hard to do. Celia Lashley said that most of the men in her prison were there because of a decision made in five seconds.
Raising your son to be the kind of man you want needs to be a deliberate project, which he knows you are set on carrying out. Talk lots about what a good person, and a good man, is, and he will be well on the way.
Steve Biddulph’s book Raising Boys in the 21st Century is out now – published by Simon and Schuster.
Steve will be doing his world famous shows across Melbourne starting in May. www.stevebiddulph.com for details.
